This wonderful group of ladies represent different countries and cultures, different ages, differing beliefs, and a myriad of things that make us individuals. What binds all of us together is TTWD. But even within TTWD, we have different needs. For some spanking is always sexual in nature while for others it’s a need for accountability. What about implements? What one woman deems her favorite of all implements another decries it as a hard limit not to be crossed.
So if even those of us with a real need for spanking in our lives are so individualized, how do we ever find and connect with someone that shares that interest? Are we doomed to a life of loneliness because we can’t find someone that shares our need?
This topic is a good one to discuss as we have recently grown in numbers here on the blog, and there are more experienced women that may render advice and encouragement for those still seeking.
I guess the first thing I want to stress to everyone is that while ‘luck’ is involved, much also is within your power. I think it’s worth your time to take an active role rather than simply waiting for your Prince or Princess to sweep you off your feet and over her knee. To help you take charge, here are a couple of things to think about:
- What type of relationship MUST you have? Are you willing to find a person that loves you but doesn’t necessarily have the same need for spanking in your life? Would you be willing to accept spanking from someone that isn’t intimate with you?
- Are you willing to go outside your comfort zone? Would you be willing to meet a friend from our blog or something similar just to have a fun time with playful spanking? Is fetlife or something similar a place you would be willing to try? What about a professional spanking coach or is there a dear friend that you could confess to the need for accountability? Is there an active BDSM or Spanking group within a few hours of your home?
- If you have a spouse or significant other, can you talk to her/him about your needs?
- Ask yourself, what is holding you back? Once you decide what’s holding you back, how can you change it?
Let me be clear: I am not trying to make you feel like it’s “your fault” if you aren’t in a spanking relationship. I’m trying to give you a few ideas to begin your thought process to see if YOU can skew the chances of meeting a spanking partner. Sometimes, it’s so frustrating that it’s difficult to think clearly.
My last bit of advice is to relax and simply be YOU. I don’t know of anyone that hasn’t wondered at some point in her life, if she would be alone when it came to love. I think a spanking relationship is similar. And YES, I purposely kept a spanking relationship separate from one of love as it isn’t necessary to have them together.
For those that have spanking in your life, can you offer advice or perhaps let us know how you accomplished that? I will leave it to Tigger to tell our story as she did everything. My idea of stepping out of my comfort zone was to begin talking to like-minded women on Alyx’s blog and then not running away when Tigger began talking to me. Thank goodness she was willing to take action!
Happy Spanking
Anna
Anna Reilly Spanking Romance 
Guess I’ll be first. This is such a timely post for me Micah….thanks for posing these questions! I am in a long term marriage to my best friend and spouse. He is vanilla. When we met, I had done the “look up spanking in the dictionary, perk up at spanking scenes in TV shows and books, etc.” Mind you this was before the “interweb” was a thing. I then went off to college and real life and had to maneuver just the general dating/sex world as an adult and the spanking thing got repressed I guess. Read a few books here and there but really just was too busy in my vanilla life raising kids etc to deal with it…..until they left and I had more time. That’s when it came roaring back and I have since come to realize that it’s a real thing that lots of people have/feel/need in various forms.
I am not sure yet what my “needs” are but I know that its not just sexual. I am a brat, don’t always take care of myself and adult perfectly, etc so I could use some “motivation” to do better. It recently came up (after a few drinks) and he has been great to try to get me to communicate what it is that I need but I am struggling to do that….maybe more Tito’s and Topo? I don’t know. The idea of real spanking scares me too…..not used to relinquishing control tbh! I sometimes think that if I had a real punishment spanking that maybe I would get it out of my system and think about something else 24/7 364 lol! But probably not….
In the mean time, I have learned so much from all y’all, from other blogs, from the stories, etc. I may never quite get there but its been an interesting ride. By the way, if you have never heard of Jillian Keenan – author and journalist – wrote “Sex With Shakespeare” – her memoir with being a spanking fetishist and the inherent struggles, its interesting and she is now doing you tube videos addressing some of the exact questions that Micah is asking above. As I said, very timely!
Cheers to the weekend! 😉🍸🍑👋
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(Oh, gingles! You beat me to it! No one had posted when I started writing my reply.)
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Can’t wait to read it! You make me laugh often Ellie!
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It can be a really difficult thing to communicate about. I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years, and we’ve always both been pretty good at communicating what we need, how we’re feeling, etc. but we STILL run into snags at times, and I still sometimes have a hard time saying out loud what I need.
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Congrats on 10 years! It’s an important part of any relationship!
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Thank you! It will actually be 11 next month. ☺️
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Danz, I want to thank you for introducing me to Jillian! I started following her YouTube channel this morning and I already watched all her videos, I think I’ll buy the book soon as well. She looks like a very intelligent, sensitive and balanced person and made me feel incredibly comfortable with my needs for the first time in very long. I find some of her words very inspiring (well, they did inspire a debate between a friend of mine and me already).
Also, I’m really glad I make you laugh often! 😀 Hope I continue to do it!
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Totally agree…..she seems to really get what a lot of us are going through and has been there in some way, shape or form. And she is funny! Can you tell I am into humor!
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Yes Danz, thank you for the introduction to Jillian. I just finished watching all her videos instead of working! Oops! Good thing my boss is out today. But they were really refreshing and have given me more to think about. Have you read her book?
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Hey Amanda. I have started it and it’s very entertaining and also informative! I follow her on Instagram too and reached out to her with a comment – she was very sweet in her response! Same about work…looking at this and not working – oops my bad 😈
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Oh cool. I was thinking of getting it. Perhaps we should get back to work…🤔😜
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Thank you for responding, Danz. Your story is very similar to my own… minus the kids and husband. But I had also repressed it until I finally gave up and said, “Enough!” I read an article by Jillian Keenan, or at least I think that was the person that bravely posted the article I read. Thank you for mentioning the you tube videos. I’ll look them up and try to post links to them.
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I see everyone seems to be a little shy, so I’ll go first. Thank you for this post. I know it’s not nice to think about the less-bright-side of TTWD when it comes to relationships, but I think many of us, whether we talk about it or not, have to deal with it. The sinking “lonesome” feeling is always there and sometimes (I know this because I’ve experienced it and I’ve seen it in others) it makes it hard for us to join in the conversation. Some people might feel “left out” because they don’t know what it feels like to be cared for the way we imagine and crave, or jealous of those who are in a relationship and even guilty for that sneaky jealousy.
I just want to say, but you older, experienced ladies can surely differ, that those feelings are valid and don’t make any of us bad people or weird or less a part of this community. Whether we find a spanking partner someday or not, we’ll still always be a part of this community as long as our feelings and needs match, even if they do to different degrees/tastes/levels/so on.
As for Micah’s advice…I tried scribbling down a list of “what’s holding me back”. Now I can tell that the situation isn’t looking bright for me – lol.
Speaking of tools, instead:
– I have tried fetlife and had a bad experience with it – our community looked almost nonexistent and the groups seemed abandoned (the last posts had been published months before my arrival). Maybe I will try it again, maybe I didn’t try hard enough. If you do give it a try, be prepared to be also approached by people who might put you off a bit. In my case it was a guy that completely ignored my kinks and told me about what he would do to me, answering to my “no, thank you” with greater interest (apparently he identified himself as primal and me as a prey, which would be cool if I were into it in the slightest – I’m not). No big issue. I blocked him and that helped a bit. Just bee wary of Fetlife if you’re still shy about your sexuality and easily scared off, that’s it. 🙂
– What I advise you though is NEVER TRY the mobile app FET. It is a dating app for kinky people, not connected to Fetlife. It’s very poorly developed and stopped working after a while, so now I have no control of my profile on there and can’t even delete it.
– If you feel “more towards the vanilla side than the extreme BDSMy”, be it because that’s who you are or because you lack experience, I do recommend trying the app OkCupid. It’s nicely done, it has questions about kink that can be answered privately and it matches people based on…Idk, interests, personalities, views on important stuff (but you can decide how important something is to you). It is, however, not a dating app exclusive for kinky people – so obviously most users are as vanilla as they come.
Maybe I’ll say more in the future but for now I think this is already “a paper”. Sorry.
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Maybe try reddit instead? There are some good discussions there and most of the groups ban personals type posts/messaging (I believe there are also subreddits specifically for that). Also I’ve found some good discord groups for more social chatting. The thing I found offputting about fetlife was the requirement to list a city. That felt very invasive to me, and I was weirded out by immediately getting messaged by locals.
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I don’t remember if I used the real city on Fetlife, exactly because it scared me to be too easy to localize. I’ve never used Reddit though. You mean there is stuff TTWD related? And also on Discord? I have Discord and wouldn’t mind taking a look at those groups if you have any to suggest 🙂 Although there might be the problem of separating my normal account from the kinky one. I usually try to access all kinky related services by EllieRogue, but I use Discord with my private account. Dang!
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I made a separate account (this one in fact!) just for kinky stuff. I use ProtonMail because it’s easy to set up and has a good reputation for security/anonymity.
There probably ARE subreddits specifically just for TTWD, but it may be too niche to be very active… From what I’ve seen the subreddits that are most specific and on target for me often don’t have enough members to stay alive.
I actually haven’t been on reddit for a little while (I am easily distracted even from distractions 🤔) but I enjoyed a lot of the discussion on the more general BDSM subreddits. Sometimes (rarely) I’ll see a post that squicks me out, more often I’ll see something that just doesn’t interest me or apply to me, but for a lot of the BIG questions and topics, the root of it is the same whether you’re talking about TTWD, pet play or a hardcore master/slave dynamic. Hint: the answer to almost every question is something related to communication… in general I think people who’ve been involved in BDSM at any level for a while are better than average with communication… because you can’t really do this safely without it. You’ll also see a lot of posts talking about what is NOT healthy or safe in a BDSM relationship, how to spot abusers, how to set limits and advocate for yourself… basically a lot of stuff that is important in any relationship.
So what I’m trying to say is that even though general BDSM may seem like not quite how you identify, you’ll see a lot of people there struggling with the same things you’re struggling with… the stuff that doesn’t apply to you, you can just scroll past. I don’t really fit well into most of their categories, but I still found some really good discussion there (and no one but me gets to define how I identify or what labels I use). Give me a few minutes and I’ll try to get you some links.
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I hope that every woman on the blog or is lurking can feel welcome to comment here. Just because you haven’t experienced a real spanking doesn’t mean you should be silent. We’re here to listen and offer advice as we have all been at that same place. Imagine being a 20 year old in the 1980s with no internet. I had no idea other SANE people enjoyed spanking. The only adult spanking I knew of, was in mainstream movies as a point of ridicule. I was so ashamed of the way I felt and tried to keep my thoughts on anything but spanking. In my sexual relationship, I was terrified to say anything and tried to force myself to stop thinking about it during sex. But it was almost impossible for me to actually reach climax without a spanking fantasy. Between my struggle with being gay and then with a spanking fetish, it’s no wonder I was in my upper 40s before I relaxed enough to delurk on Alyx’s blog. Thank heaven’s Tigger is persistent!
I hope this isn’t too much information. Don’t mean to offend…
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This☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼! It’s amazing what we can bury to just persist. But not necessarily a healthy approach! Let that 💩 go! Life is too short in my never humble opinion. So thankful that VP Al Gore “invented” the internet😉😂
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Oof… big topic!
Growing up kinky (I’ve literally been this way as long as I can remember) is tricky… especially in the already sexually repressive environment of years and years of Catholic school. I don’t really have a sexuality independent of kink, although not all kink/spanking is sexual for me. It’s confusing, and in general my sexuality was and still is pretty muddled, even though it’s not something I’m trying to suppress anymore.
I was incredibly lonely for much of my adolescence and early adulthood. I didn’t have many romantic relationships and didn’t feel comfortable opening up to any of my friends about being kinky. I think I would have absolutely been open to a non-romantic spanking set up… in fact I was really drawn to that idea, but it seemed impossible to me.
I read a LOOOOT of spanking fiction. I did join some chat room when I was in my early 20s, and did some light online role playing spanking stuff, but it always felt silly and awkward to me, and some of the things said made me uncomfortable. I don’t really remember the specifics, so I’m not sure if that was a result with my own general discomfort, or if they were saying something inappropriate.
While I was in grad school, my brother started dating a woman who very openly and readily talked about her love of bondage. I adored her, and it kind of opened up a whole new world of acceptance to me, and the possibility of my kinks NOT meaning I was “bad” or “sick.” So I still wasn’t exactly open about it, but I did start talking to her about it a lot, and eventually looked online and found a local BDSM group which had monthly educational meetings.
I was pretty intimidated, and a bit in over my head there, but I went (alone) and met some really good people, including my husband. Our kinks do not line up exactly (he’s more into the D/s aspect than I am, and it’s more of a sex add-on for him vs it being pretty central to me both sexually and not sexually) but we do fit together pretty well.
In general I’m much more open now to possibilities and experiences than I was when I was first exploring the BDSM lifestyle… partly BECAUSE of the process of exploring, and partly because getting older and having some barriers torn down by the practical realities of having children means I’ve kind of run out of fucks in terms of what’s normal. I hooked up with my husband pretty quickly after going to that first meeting… I’m not entirely sure what I would have ended up doing if I hadn’t, maybe I would have ended up playing more casually with a variety of people, or maybe I would have been frightened away and tried to box everything up again. Also when I first started going, they met in a hotel conference room… after about 6 months they moved all their meetings to a “dungeon” space, and I’m not sure I would have been brave enough to go there first… not to mention it would have seemed more removed from what I was looking for (though I certainly find some of the more traditional capital letters BDSM stuff to be fun and exciting).
I can see fetlife being a huge boon to people now who are just discovering or exploring this aspect of themselves. I think things might have been a little easier for me if something like that had been around when I was younger… although maybe that first leap to making things a reality is always terrifying.
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Love your explanation about running out of 🤬 as to what’s normal! In so much less repressed now than I was growing up Catholic! Damn nuns ruined me lol! And didn’t spank me either 🤬 😎
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Right?? And I’m not even Catholic… I just went to school there. For SEVENTEEN YEARS. (1st grade all the way through 5 years of college).
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Danz and Xena…replying mostly to see you cringe…I was a Catholic nun and given your ages I could’ve been your teacher! Let’s just say it wasn’t a great fit and we departed on..um..mutual agreement? Some of us will go to any lengths for a bit of structure and discipline! And those damn nuns didn’t spank me either!
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Ha! For some reason I actually kind of find the idea of an uncomfortable spanko nun kind of sweet… probably because you found your way to something that works better for you.
I didn’t actually have too many nuns as teachers… there were a couple in elementary school who were classroom aids, and then in high school we had some priests teaching (still not many though). I got into the occasional argument with Father B, but none of them involved rulers. 🤣
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And after reading your comment below… West Coast hmm? I grew up in Oregon. 🤔🤣🤣
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OMG…..Sister Mary Tigger! Never would have guessed but glad that you discovered your true path! I was only exposed to nuns in school for a few years. My parents pulled us out and put me into public school by second grade. But they still kinda scare me😬 but not as much as some priests 😏….
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I’ve been considering the types of relationship(s) I want to have now and long term. I recently have been exploring the idea of polyamory. Honestly, there are many reasons involved, but I can’t see all aspects of my life being met in one person. Because of this, I think I could be with someone that is a vanilla, but I think I will always want to be with someone kinky because now that I have experienced my needs being met as both top and bottom I can’t imagine not having it. However, I don’t think one person would want to be with me so I doubt more than one, so it’s really more of a silly idea probably. *fp* As, for accepting a spanking from someone that I’m not intimate with, this is something I have done before and enjoyed and hope I get to do again in the near future. In some ways, I think having spanking in this context takes some of the pressure off of the scenario because both people know what is or isn’t going to happen.
I feel I have gone outside of my comfort zone to experience spanking. I’ve met a friend in real life that I met online and it was a good experience. We played a lot and both had our needs met. I think we both look forward to doing it again! I also have loose plans to meet some other people I’ve met online in the coming year. As for Fetlife, it is something I’ve tried out and talked to a couple of local people, however, decided not to meet them in person. Mainly because they were men and meh, not really my thing. Fetlife is good for people that live in cities I feel like, which is not the case for where I live. They do let you find groups, but I don’t have any here. However, the downfall on Fet life is the penis pics. Like, honestly I don’t like it because the conversation usually goes, “Hey” to penis pic. That’s really gross and not my thing at all.
Honestly, I think the biggest thing holding me back from being even more involved in the community is not living lone and living in the middle of nowhere. It makes it hard for kinky friends to be around and it’s a bit hard to meet local people because there doesn’t seem to be any groups. I’ve been looking into jobs in small cities that I can move to once I graduate.
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Very thoughtful comments Logan. I agree that finding a partner that is a great match for both your spanking need and the rest of your life is difficult. Just know that if you love each other and want to make each other happy, it’s possible for her to move out of her comfort zone and help you with your need for spanking.
I have a couple of friends that are partners with only one of them having a spanking kink. But with a lot of talking and love, the vanilla partner has turned into a caring Top that does an excellent job of caring for her brat. I’ve never seen the brat so happy and their partnership seems to be awesome.
I’m not trying to diminish the possibility of polyamory for you. But it brings with it, its own set of complications. It’s an option, but not the only way to meet your needs.
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Logan its interesting that you mention polyamory. This was part of Jillian’s you tube video last week. She reached the same conclusion.
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Danz! I was watching some of her videos at 5 am this morning when I couldn’t sleep and now I plan on reading her book soon! I feel like a lot of times when people write about this stuff it’s just from the sexual side and that’s not what my kink is to me. However she seems to get it which is nice. Thanks for the recommendation! 😀
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Yes…..she actually calls it her orientation! But she addresses lots of layers of the spanking fetish, kink, yada yada…..I don’t even know what the differences are or where I fall…..just spank me dammit!😉
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It’s interesting to hear about the new apps and internet options you’re using these days. It’s beyond me, but fortunately I’m not looking at the moment. 😀 I never had much luck with all the personals sites I’ve used. No bad experiences, but nothing that really “clicked.” I’ve had more luck with messageboards and blogs. I’ve met up with a lot of people and got to know them well.
That said, only my current gf Mil is one whom I knew was kinky ahead of time. The others (including TMT, a top of ever there was one) I only lucked out on! 🙂 When I was younger I definitely considered meeting up with a professional to get my spanking needs met…I corresponded with one but she was flaky and we never hooked up. I also thought I was the polyamorous type. But now that I’m middle aged *g* my drive seems to be less…well, driven! I’m sure if I broke up with my gf I would look for another partner, but as to how important it be that she was into TTWD, I’m no longer so sure.
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Alyx, sorry if this sounds inappropriate or too intimate a question (if so just ignore it). Do you think this “but as to how important it be that she was into TTWD, I’m no longer so sure” is because you’ve had years of experience and you’re at peace with your kinky needs and now they’re not as necessary and important anymore or is it because in general you don’t believe them to be more essential than anything else you look for in a partner?
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Hm, good question, Ellie. A little of both, I think. I’ve gone through so many different phases of my life and this is where I stand now. At one time I was very much in the closet about my kinky needs, and yet they were definitely important. While I don’t REQUIRE a spanking to become aroused, I can definitely relate to people who do.
If you had asked me 10 years ago would it be mandatory in a partner to share this kink, I would’ve said yes. As time has gone on, I’ve decided that many other things are just as important in my “forever partner.” That said, if I was with someone completely vanilla, I would probably need to find an outlet outside the relationship. Maybe it would just be consuming spanking-related stories. Or maybe it would be finding a professional for occasional sessions. Or maybe I would just need to wallop spankos who visit! *LOL*
I’m not sure, but for me (because spanking can be an intimate act, though it doesn’t HAVE to be), playing outside a relationship on a regular basis would be tricky. For me, there would be the danger in becoming attracted to someone if I engaged with them in TTWD regularly.
I guess what it comes down to (and thank you for helping me clarify this….I’ve just realized what I mean) is that I’m in love with Mil. So if she said tomorrow that she was no longer interested in TTWD, I would still want to be with her, and I would find other ways to get my needs met. However if she broke up with me and I had to find another person, I’d ideally want someone whom I clicked with who also liked spanking. But I do feel very lucky that I managed to find someone like that in the girlfriend I have. 🙂 Hope that answers the question!
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Thank you so much for replying to this post, Alyx. I always think of you as “the wisest of the wise”. You advice has always helped me and kept me on the right path.
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Aw, what a sweet thing to say, Anna! I think you’ve become quite the wise one yourself, though. It’s lovely to see you advising the younger brats and providing the kind of guidance they need…..exactly WHERE they need it! 😀
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I think it’s cute to see you both being the wisest and the wise herself and still needing your bottom warmed sometimes. Makes a brat feel so much better about her predicaments 😊
Poking apart, thank you for your honesty and for taking the time to explain. I do understand your point a little better now. Unfortunately, I am one of those with spinning hormones and a very small, yet-to-fully-begin spanking life.
At this moment I think about finding a partner and I live being a spanko as a problem (because I’m a weirdo, because I can’t just randomly tell to the other that I want to be swatted and so on).
But I also view as a problem finding someone that wouldn’t be in the kink. I know myself, partly I really despise myself and I wouldn’t hesitate to ignore my needs if I had the chance to fit in with family/friends/society expectations.
Except I sometimes wonder if I would “work” in that sort of relationship, given how I seem one that REQUIRES elements of the dynamic to…uhm…work.
Sorry if that was oversharing.
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Just a quick one to say that you are young and lively and of course you’d want a spanko partner! And it’s tricky to find one in everyday life because most people DON’T have the courage to say they want to be spanked! You’re not a weirdo at all. But take heart — when you find someone who loves you for who you are, it’s not so hard to admit what you like. And by interacting with people who are into TTWD the way you are doing now (on blogs and such) is a good way to meet someone to start a relationship with. I met many! 🙂
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P.S. I forgot to mention that over time I’ve also gone from being mostly bottom to mostly top. I wonder if that has something to do with how much I crave it? Hm. Think it’s mostly hormonal, though. When I was in my 20s my sex drive was all-consuming. *LOL* ;D
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I’ve also changed much further towards the Top side as I’ve gotten older. I think for me, personally, as health issues, etc have taken control of my life in so many way, I need to have something I can control. So in my everyday life, I am much less interested in giving control to someone.
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I replied to this comment but it ended up under Amanda’s comment somehow…
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As always, thought provoking questions, which has made me really reflect on where I am in life at the moment.
Spanking has always been part of me. Since, I was a little girl, I was always fascinated by it. Never pursued it though. When it came to relationships, it was never something that was a priority and it lay dormant. I married because I fell in love with a genuine man who adores me (I’m very lucky). Priorities such as trying for a family, realising it wasn’t to be and adopting a little girl who means the world to us, put my need on hold. A spanking relationship was not something I was looking for at the time.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, this need for discipline and the fact that it was not being addressed began to affect me. It bubbled away, eating at me. That’s when I started searching on line and came across the blog. I made a connection with LT, who helped me enormously by becoming my Top. Might sound strange bearing in mind the age difference, but it worked. Our friendship has evolved though, as both of us began our journeys and now she’s my bestie rather than Top.
At the same time, I started to explore the spanking scene. As I’ve mentioned before, my sister helped by putting me in contact with someone she saw. She was the brave one because she went on a site and made contact. That was my first ever proper introduction to spanking. My main concern at the time which I voiced, was what if I realised that spanking was not for me. After decades of fantasI zing about being spanked, how awful would it be if I found out that spanking was not my thing. And then I had my first taste…..phew…..
Since then I have explored the so called scene. I’ve realised that my husband and I will never have that. And I’m okay with it. He would not be able to meet my needs and neither do I want him to. And I keep my family life and spanking life separate.
Spanking is intensely private, intimate and takes you into another dimension, whether in play or punishment. It is also extremely cathartic and has reduced me to tears, something that I thought I would never do. I’ve been lucky, as I’ve connected with two Dom’s, who are both different. One I see purely for discipline, the other for discipline and play. I think my main worry though, is if the connection comes to an end, that’s probably why I see two people. Sounds as if I see them all the time, but I don’t. Family, work commitments etc all come into the mix. But at the moment, I’m on a journey, lots to explore.
A couple of you have also mentioned fetlife. I haven’t tried this, but Twitter has been a good friend. People are very genuine and talk about the kink. I’ve had a very positive experience. What I would say is if you do make a connection, communication is paramount. Talk, talk and talk some more. The first disciplinarian I saw, and the one I see now, we communicated by email and then by phone before meeting. They had been “vetted” by my sister so I knew they were safe. She met them first initially for coffee and then took the plunge. The other person I see, I got to know through twitter, and we communicated by DM. You can also pick up a lot by how they tweet and who they tweet to. This one had been on the scene for a few years and by following , I could see that it was safe.
I don’t live the TTWD as in 24/7 and sometimes I wish that I had found a partner in life that had the same interest, but I don’t dwell on it too much. I enjoy and above all need TTWD in my life, so what I do now helps me. It is difficult though because I haven’t been able to share what I do with my husband, he knows I like spanking, he knows I write spanking stories but that’s were the butt stops. 🍑👋
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Does he know you see people for discipline/play?
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No he doesn’t. In a way I wish I could open up, but I can’t at the moment.
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Oh man… that’s a tough secret. I’m sorry you’re in that situation.
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Jojo I agree about Twitter…I have a separate Twitter for this scene and have learned so much just reading peoples’ tweets. And I laugh a lot – some very funny people on there! Sounds like you have figured out a good balance between the 2 worlds.
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I have bee very lucky tbh. The people I follow on Twitter are quite genuine.
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Thank you for such a poignant comment, Jojo. I can related to much of what your response. You have mentioned a spanking partner before and I have wondered how your sister met him. Do you live in an urban area so there are spanking groups? And I’m proud of you for stepping out of your comfort zone and finding what works for you. Kudos…
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My sister was the brave one. She started by looking at a website called London Spanking and from there connected with people. These people are usually genuine because everyone has a need, either as spanker or spankee. There is no cost involved, it’s mutual.
I think it might be easier for us Brits, we live on a small island 😀. Although I live in a village (overlooking hills), I’m still not isolated. The two people I see are at best 90 minutes away.
My problem is, the fact that I feel very vulnerable, especially with one of them. You make that connection but at the end of the day they are only a tiny part of your life and theirs. So I often feel that the spanking relationship will end for one reason or another. That’s probably why I see two. I need to protect myself.
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Wow, great post, where to start. I too, knew from a young age about my spanking kink and also suppressed it. I had a few awkward relationships when I was younger but never considered seeking out what I truly wanted.
I had hinted to my girlfriend a few times but we never really talked about it in depth until we were talking about the Fifty Shades Trilogy and she pretty much dared me to write a book. Reining in Riley was the result but we still didn’t tackle the subject head on.
I made a lot of mistakes when trying to bring TTWD into my relationship. I think my biggest take away was to communicate honestly. I didn’t give my girlfriend enough credit that she could possibly understand my needs. On the flip side of that, the expectation of being upfront about the kink with a non kinky person from the beginning was incomprehensible. I mean its not like you can say ‘Hi I’m Claire I find you attractive but how do you feel about spanking?’
So it was many years into our relationship that we entered into TTWD. I’m very happy but its still a process and communication and honesty were the key factors for us.
I also think it depends on how important TTWD is to you and it’s a personal choice if you want to actively seek it out in a romantic relationship or keep it separate.
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What a great way to approach your partner! I know it was Ruby that mentioned reading it together but it could also be a way for one the women here, to approach their partner. There was a movie, “Book Club”, in which 4 friends read the Fifty Shades series of books. It would be so easy to tease the toppier friend and then twirl around to see if she swats you. Little things like that to kind of test her response.
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And I’m very happy for the both of you, Claire. You and Ruby rock!!!
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It’s already been mentioned by others but my biggest piece of advice would be honest communication. In my experience, the best way to get a spanking is to tell people you want to be spanked. I’ve never been in a long term/serious relationship which involved spanking but I have managed to find quite a lot of play partners over the years. Some I’ve met at kink specific events such as munches and others on vanilla dating sites. I’ve even had a bit of success on Tinder. I’d say that the thing which has led to most of that success is the fact I bring it up pretty early. If it has been established that I’m attracted to someone and they are attracted to me and we are wanting to act on it then I tell them I’m into spanking. I usually start out with a pretty vague mention of my interest in spanking, gauge their reaction and go more into the specifics if they seem receptive. If I’m dating someone I usually bring it up on or sometimes before the first date. The way I see it if they are going to freak out about it I’d rather that happen before I get emotionally invested. I’ve never had someone react badly and most people have been willing to at least try it even if it wasn’t super their thing. Now, obviously, this isn’t going to be an option everyone is comfortable with but it is an option and it’s one that works.
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I’ve always envied your ability to simply state your needs, It makes things so much easier. But that is WAY outside my comfort zone. I don’t think I could force myself to stretch that far. I realize it’s my own hangups about it that stop me. It’s great that you are accepting of yourself. I wish we all could be that way.
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“I will leave it to Tigger to tell our story as she did everything. My idea of stepping out of my comfort zone was to begin talking to like-minded women on Alyx’s blog and then not running away when Tigger began talking to me. Thank goodness she was willing to take action!”
Thanks a lot, Micah! So she’s leaving it to me to tell our story…then I get to tell it MY way!
So I was in my earlyish 40’s living on the West Coast and feeling particularly lonely one summer. I decided that this was ridiculous. I was gay, damnit, and I was kinky, and I was going to live my truth! Quietly, but live it. So I started with the fact that I was gay and wanted a partner. I enrolled on a couple of dating sites like Match.com and the like, went on a couple of dates and no sparks. At the same time, I began looking on the internet and came across Alyx’s blog and through it another blog that doesn’t exist anymore.
First of all, you need to know that I am a very literal person. So, when I read Alyx’s blog and they were doing a kinklet on a Vegas trip I thought they were actually going to Vegas! It took me a while to realize they were writing fiction…
I noticed Micah immediately. She was, like me, a bit older than the others, and there was something in her writing style that drew me. So I kept an eye on her when she posted. Then, on the other blog she wrote a post about rescuing an animal in a dangerous situation and wishing she had someone who loved her enough to correct her when she did something stupid. That entry spoke to my soul. It was exactly the way I was feeling. I sat with my feelings for a while and then decided to reach out. (Now, realize, I was still on dating sites and actively dating.) So, I wrote a PM and said something along the lines of, “I think you’re interesting! Would you like to message and play?” I had no idea what I was doing and neither did she! She was very clear that she did not want a relationship and I lied and said I didn’t either, I was just looking for someone to have fun with. So, we continued talking and I found myself cutting dates short to be home to instant message with her!
To make a long story short, we eventually met up in Las Vegas 6 months after our first message, (giving birth to our Grand Canyon story) and the rest is history! We’ve been together for 8 years now and I recently relocated to be closer to her. She is the love of my life and I didn’t find her til I was 45. I kissed a lot of frogs before I found my princess! I love you, My Micah!
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Give you a hug, a kiss, and a SWAT!
You were a brazen hussy!
Thank goodness!
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Lol…I can relate to the kinklet thing Tigger! I found this blog about a year ago and starting reading from the beginning and had no idea what the hell a kinklet was….too funny! But so happy for you being able to finally saying WTF and pursuing your own happiness and finding the “love of your life” in Micah! A great message for the young’uns out there. And still one of my fav stories is the Grand Canyon adventure!
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I’m gad you enjoyed “The Grand Canyon”. We enjoyed writing it together. I’ve found that Tigger can take anything I write and twist it into a brat’s point of view. I’ve also found that she does that in real life too. 🙂
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Well….that is a skill that seems to be part of a brat’s DNA! Is there really any other point of view? 😉
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Sadly, Fetlife has never worked for me. 😦 I even went to munches and a bdsm club in Chicago and it’s just too hard to find
1. Women
2. Women into spanking for discipline
It was just a bunch of horny men that made me ultra uncomfortable.
I feel like I go out of my comfort zone a lot and am willing to jump in and chat with people and go out to meet them, but I think our interest is somewhat rare. *regretful frown.*
As for spanking pros.. I tried a dominatrix twice and the connection simply isn’t there when it’s a paid arrangement. It felt fake (and was expensive!)
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Shae. It’s great that you tried those things. If nothing else, you can check off your list that those things don’t work for you. I would prefer that vs doing nothing and wishing you had the courage to try it.
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Thanks for this post, Micah. You have given me a lot to think about and I am thankful to have found a place where I can get advice and not feel judged. I have a hard time getting outside my comfort zone because I’m naturally shy and quiet and have always cared too much what people think about me. But as I’m getting older I realize it’s silly to worry like that all the time and staying in the spanking closet is only going to hurt me. So, like you said, I felt like the first step for me was to start engaging with like-minded women. That is why I’ve been delurking on quite a few online blogs. I’ve only ever been in vanilla relationships and I feel like the reason they were never long-term is because I never voiced what I really needed. Or at least what I feel my “needs” are. I’ve never tried fetlife or looked into a BDSM or Spanking group. I guess when you grow up in a sheltered life you don’t know about these things. 🤦🏽♀️ I think what holds me back right now is I’ve become so comfortable being single and I don’t handle change in life very well. But I’ve enjoyed reading everyone’s experiences of how they accomplished spanking in their life and it gives me hope that I can do it to! I may just need some guidance.
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Interesting perspective! I’ve been dealing with a bunch of vague health crap as well the last few years, but if anything it makes me want to give up control even more than usual… I think maybe because there’s so much irrational guilt wrapped up in being sick/non-functional so much of the time. I think also there’s something… comforting? About pain that makes sense.
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This reply ended up in the wrong place… I’m not sure how, but sorry, if you’re confused you’re totally correct that my response makes zero sense for in relation to your comment… sorry!
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I relate to you, Amanda. It sounds like you’re rather comfortable where you are right now and that’s a good thing. The whole point of things is to be happy.
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So one thing that came up today I wanted to share is that a Spanking Coach/Disciplinarian by the name of MIss Chris is going to be featured on the the show The Doctors. When my partner and I were talking about TTWD at the beginning we explored the possibility of doing a couples session with Miss Chris.
Anyway long story short I starting following her blog and this came out today. I think is another step closer to validating TTWD.
https://www.missschris.net/post/spank-therapy?utm_campaign=5d93037b-9296-4aae-99eb-a962589d70b8
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Can’t wait to watch this! She is formidable! I follow her on Twitter. Scary and awesome all
at once! Lots of her twitter followers were worried about how they would portray this and twist it. Hope it’s accurate and fair! Thanks for sharing the link Claire!
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